Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Today was tough

When I started my weight loss journey, my goal was to weigh less than I started at. Attainable, yes? I know, way to aim high.

I started this journey for better health but I needed to get healthy to start a family and get pregnant.

I had originally said if I lost 40 pounds I would try to get pregnant. I lost 40 pounds and was still fat. So I kept going. I eventually lost 115 pounds (hitting a normal weight and my goal at Thanksgiving 2009). I could do triple workouts in a day if I wanted. I could keep up with the most fit people I know. It was addictive. I could get a high from exercise and weight loss.

In February, I planned to get pregnant. It worked - 1st time (lucky, I know). I made a plan, stuck to it, it worked. I was shocked.
I have been gaining weight since then. I know I need to. I know it is expected but today it was hard. I put on a size 12 pant (I have been in 10s for the 1st time in my life. I have been wearing those since December). They were tight. I looked in the mirror and looked and felt huge. I felt bigger than I did when I was losing the weight and weighed more.
I got in the car and called my mom to tell me something nice because I felt insecure (and this is exactly what I told her over the phone, 1200 miles away, while she was at work). And then I began to cry. An important note here is that I NEVER CRY. If I am crying, something is definitely wrong. And usually if I cry it is about someone else (like a student).
I know this is stupid. I know that I have to gain weight and that I eat healthy 75% of the time (25% is too many cracker and perhaps some yummy candy). I know my hips are spreading and that I am housing a human being (although it is not super real to me yet). This must happen. But it is hard. Especially this week. I may switch to dresses with leggings and maternity wear in the next week.
But I also know that I literally worked my ass off. I know how hard you have to work to get off 115 pounds without surgery or pills or liquid diets. I know the level of physical endurance I am capable of. I completed the mud run for crying out loud. Me. The girls who used to weigh almost 300 pounds.
I did a double workout on Monday. I am still sore (and have a new foot over-use injury). I cannot do that anymore. This makes me extremely sad. Will I ever get back my endurance level? Will I ever get back to size 10? I was only there for a very short period of time. The nice ladies at the gym have said they notice me putting on weight (they are not mean, they know I am pregnant). People at work are rubbing my squishy fat belly and telling me I am starting to show.
I am not used to this. I am only used to jaws dropping or comments about how much I have lost, not how much I am gaining. SO MUCH HARDER THAN I THOUGHT. I tried to prepare myself mentally but I don't think you can. After losing weight, it is hard to watch it come back and there is nothing I can really do about it.
So here is what I wore today. And yes, someone rubbed my belly again. Really? I have never done this to anyone but best bud while she was pregnant. Speaking of, bless best bud and my mom for always listening to me whine and always making me feel better when there are people in the world with real problems.
I don't think hubby can take a straight picture to save his life. Sorry about that!

I feel better now. But I think it will be tough like this for a few months until I look like I am actually having a baby. Not just squishy and fat. I think it would have been easier if I had stayed fat and gotten pregnant. Not healthier or better. Just easier to watch myself gain. But I am not sure if I would have ever taken it off. This is the path I took. I planned it. I still think it was the best path for me and a baby but it is bumpier than expected.

Hope you all have a wonderful week!


Beth said...

I can feel your pain, I feel so bad you HAVE to gain weight after all you have been through. But obviously, the reward is worth it. I feel moved to respond because I DID get pregnant when I was way overweight, and NO, you would not have wanted to do that. When I told my doctor at the time that I didn't want to gain any weight with the pregnancy, he said I should have thought about my weight sooner, and that I had to gain weight. Well I ended up going to another doctor and he said it was alright to lose weight while pregnant (eating healthy of course). I DID lose weight throughout my pregnancy and had a healthy daughter, who is now an engineer (and super skinny and now pregnant herself). BUT, I just want to say, NO, you do not want to be 50 or a 100 pounds heavier and be looking at having to gain even more because of a pregnancy! It's going to be emotionally hard for you to gain, but believe me you did the RIGHT thing to lose the weight BEFORE pregnancy.

cmoursler said...

does it help to say that You DO NOT LOOK HUGE.
some of this may be pregnancy hormones screwing with your tear ducts.
It is hard...there is a little bitty person in there. Eat healthy, do moderate may gain 30 pounds...half of which will be gone once you have the baby...the other half..15 or will lose.
You aren't a different person now. You are the same person who lost the weight in the first place.
Maybe you could switch the focus to eating the healthiest food you can eat while pregnant..pour that energy into eating balanced, healthy food and getting into the sunshine and exercising and envisioning a big, fat, healthy need something to aim toward...not away from.
hugs to you.

Amanda said...

Anothe non-cryer here. Get a box of tissues! Those pregnancy hormones are brutal and they only get worse :-) it is a crazy road. and btw, you look wonderful.

Tania said...

You look great! I can't believe people are rubbing your belly! There is no belly yet! That's just rude in my opinion. I wouldn't dream of touching someone's belly without asking and even then only really close friends and family and even then only when they are truly showing unless they ask me too in which case of course I will. That's just strange that people are touching your belly.

But I digress, you look great. You know what you'll need to do to take the weight off after you have the baby, so hold onto that. Be confident in all that you have learned and the person you have become to know that you have what it takes to keep you from gaining more than needed during the pregnancy and to get back to a healthy weight after the pregnancy.

Lisa said...

What you are going through is one of the things that worries me. I am on my own weight loss journey right now and one reason is because if I have any chance at getting pregnant then I have to lose weight. My periods are just now starting to come back more regularly since I have lost down to 237. My husband and I have been together for 6 years, never used birth control but still no pregnancy. We had decided long ago to just let whatever happens happen and that if we are meant to have a child then we will.

So I am losing to get healthy and feel better. But I am very worried about losing all this weight and then getting pregnant. I am sure I will feel exactly like you do. I mean it is so hard to lose all the weight and then to have to turn around and gain any of it back is just plain tough.

But as others said you really do look amazing. Congrats on the pregnancy and I am sure that losing the weight before hand has got to be one of the best decisions you ever made, for both yourself and your baby.

Keep it up and know that mothers everywhere struggle with their body images and the changes pregnancy brings. You are carrying a life and that is so much bigger than anything else.

Jenn said... look freakin fantastic. I think people are rubbing your belly because they know your preggers, not because you LOOK preggers.
Yes, you WILL get back to a size 10 (or smaller) after the baby. You WILL get your endurance back. You will be in BETTER shape after the baby! This is not the end, it is just a PAUSE...
Please - enjoy your pregnancy as much as you can. It does go by quickly, even though it feels like it will never end right now. Wait until you feel the baby kicking! There's a miracle happening and your body is creating it. Give it a chance!

Patti said...

You look great! And trust me, when your cute baby belly pops out, you will be glad to not be 300 lbs which is close to where I was when I got pregnant. I don't even think people could tell I was pregnant until the very end and that was extremely depressing and upsetting. You are just in that awkward pregnant/bloated feeling time but before long, your belly will firm up and you will enjoy it. :)

Diane Fit to the Finish said...

Just wanted to pop over and offer you a virtual *hug*. You know that I had my first three as a morbidly obese woman, then lost my 158 pounds and had FOUR more!

Every pregnancy started out like you are experiencing. Especially the first one. Just be mindful of your eating and I promise it will be fine!!

You look great and healthy. Having a healthy baby is all that matters now!!

Anonymous said...

Even pregnant you look hotter than most of us who aren't, kudos to losing it all before you got pregnant, just think how easy it will be to snap back into shape afterwards.

Corletta said...

I am so thankful that you took time to write this post. I, too, plan to get pregnant soon. Because of that, I have had to think about losing weight and then gaining it. I have given myself until December to get pregnant. That gives me a little time to enjoy my skinny body. On the other hand...I am so thankful that I took the time to lose the weight. GOODNESS...I would be so miserable if I had gained weight on top of my 220 body. You are my hero! Thanks for sharing and for being real about this issue. I thought that I was the only one dealing with this.

Fat Lazy Guy said...

Shucks. I don't even know what to say except you're so brave.

I know the fear about gaining it all back. But I know I'll never understand fully what with the link to being pregnant and all.

You are amazing and I hope you have a great weekend.

Anonymous said...

You know what - I was actually in the 180's when I was pregnant with my daughter - I stopped eating food and started exercising (oh, and I quit smoking too!).

I was 192 the day she was born. Thirty days after she was born I was 152 - the water weight just kind of goes away!

Don't sweat it - your doctor will be able to tell you if you are gaining too much weight.

You are doing great!