Well....I Tried My Best

First I have to say I LOVE you guys!! This blogging community is AWESOME. You say the nicest, most uplifting things. So thank you for all your wonderful comments on my last post.

Tonight I did try my best. I went to body attack. The same class I did Saturday, except this time it was the full 60 minutes. I TRIED low-impact. It was hard at first because I realized that I never paid attention to it before. I never allowed it to be an option for myself so during the first few tracks (songs) I reverted to what I knew. There were 2 instructors tonight who were happy to point out that I had to bring it down (these are seriously like the NICEST instructors ever). By the end I really did well with keeping it low.

The results? I burned 500 calories but it was in 60 minutes instead of 40. I will take that. Since I do not have 4 hours to walk and that is probably how long it would take me to burn that amount of calories. Tomorrow I think I will let turbo kickboxing go (I am pretty sure I would not be able to control myself in there either). I will walk and get back to weight training.

Just so you know, trying to change like this is PURE TORTURE!!! I worked my way up to jumping around that room. I feel like this is a step in the wrong direction. I am in that class and these woman are working SO hard. Drenched in sweat. Some out-weigh me by 100 pounds (I know cause I have been there). They are giving it everything they've got (even if they are doing low-impact). I admire their red faces and super sweaty shirts. I felt lazy in their company. It felt kind of awful not doing what the instructor was doing. I guess I just need to adjust to it. It is still a great workout. I will continue to go back. Perhaps this week I will put a Zumba class back in my routine. I did like Zumba. Maybe it can help me strengthen my abs to carry a baby around.

Thanks again for your wonderful words. Hope you have a great week!

Wake Up Call

Yesterday I had a wake up call.

I have been losing weight through diet and exercise since July 15, 2008. I have grown to love exercise. Cardio now gives me a high and leaves me with a feeling of accomplishment when I am finished and drenched in sweat.

Since finding out I am pregnant, I have continued my workouts everyday. I have continued high intensity. The doctor said it was okay. I have stopped double and triple workouts as pregnancy has made me very tired.

Yesterday I did my favorite class. I worked really hard. I burned 500 calories in 40 minutes (for me this is great because I do not burn as many calories as other people do). I was so proud. It was a tough 40 minutes.

And then I got home and saw spotting. Why? Probably me doing too much. Hello - wake up call. So I called my mom (who is a nurse). She was actually surprised it hadn't happened sooner since I did not adjust my intensity. I am supposed to bring it down a notch or two.

I am not sure I know how. For two years it has been about pushing myself harder. Doing all I can. Now I am going to have to go to class and do the "low options". This sounds like torture. But I do not have 4 hours a day to walk my calories off so I guess I will try.

I have to. I have been eating like crazy the last week and a half. Not counting calories. I have gained 8 pounds in 10 weeks. I was giving myself a slight break on my eating since 85% of it was really healthy and keeping up my exercise. I am lucky that I am still able to wear my pants and breath normally.

I am just looking fat (I am getting really thick in the middle and I already had loose skin there). My hair (which was already thick and curly) has gotten thicker and the texture has gotten worse. The knots were so bad it was ripping the bristles out of my brush, so I had to cut it. My skin has broken out badly.

I feel kind of hideous. But it will be worth it to come away with a precious human life to care for. I am willing to look like this (and possibly worse) for the next 30 weeks. I am willing to be exhausted (and I know this gets worse after the baby is born) and hungry and eat my way through the day. So I am also willing to tone myself down a bit in exercise. I am not sure how, but I will. I already told the instructor so she can just yell at me if I am jumping around too much.

The hardest part by far on this journey is changing my mind set. At first I had to change to put my health first and actually think about me. Now, even though exercise is important in pregnancy, I have to put myself second. My goals have to change. My goal now is a healthy baby. As long as I do not revert back to what I was, I think I can recover after this pregnancy. My biggest fear is not being able to get back to where I am now. Will my motivation (obsession) still be there? I hope so. I want to be a healthy mom. That is, after all, why I began this journey in the first place.

Confession

Okay friends. I must confess. I have done no weight training in a week and a half. I am totally unmotivated in that respect. When it comes to cardio - I have been a queen. I love it! Can't get enough. I also have done lots of push-ups and abs and a little bit of leg work but nothing involving actual weight training.

I find it ironic since this is where I began my journey. I know it is important. I know it will do nothing but help me. I just can't make myself at the moment.

Did I burn out? Did I get lazy? Was P90X just too much?

I don't think so. I am going to try and fix it.

I met with one of the trainers from my old gym today (because he is super nice and helpful) and he helped me come up with a sketch of what I should do. Now I just need to plug exercises into it and EXECUTE the plan. I need to quit dragging my feet. Stop thinking about it and just do it. If I were one of the kids in my class I would probably say something like "She is a wiz at language arts, above grade level. Math? Well she is capable of so much more. I don't want to say lazy so I will say underachiever."

Me. An underachiever? In certain aspects of life, yes. On this weight loss journey - maybe in the beginning but I still think I was doing pretty darn well for someone who weighed almost 300 pounds. On this journey I have given at least 110% for more than a year. Until the last two weeks. I am disappointed in myself. I am capable of so much more. I need a swift kick in the arse.

My new journey is to lead myself out of this darkness and into the light. Maybe I can get some of my muscle back. I am sure some of it has disappeared. Maybe that is why I gained a few pounds. I am burning less calories with less muscle. Or perhaps it is the fact that I love to eat lately. I am not doing too bad but I could definitely do better.

Is anyone else trying weight training on their own?

Shepherd's Pie

Shepherd's Pie - I know it is different but it is kind of like Shepherd's Pie

Sorry I did not get a picture of the ingredients before I started. Here is what I used:

• 3 large Idaho potatoes (I think I used 5 medium), peeled and cubed
• 2 Tablespoons extra virgin olive oil
• 1/4 smoky bacon, chopped
• 1 1/3 lean ground beef (or ground turkey - my hubby eats beef)
• 1 medium onion, chopped (I used a sweet one)
• 3/4 cup chopped baby carrots
• 1/2 red bell pepper, chopped
• 1/2 yellow bell pepper, chopped
• 2 cups frozen peas
• 2 Tablespoons flour
• 2 cups of chicken broth (same as 1 can)
• 1 cup light sour cream (divided)
• 1 large egg, beaten
• 10 to 12 blades fresh chives, chopped

Bring a medium pot of water to a boil. Cook the potatoes until tender, 12 to 15 minutes

Heat a deep, large skillet over medium-high heat. Add oil to skillet. Add bacon and brown it up, then add beef to pan and break it up. Season the meat however you like. Once the meat browns up add onions and carrots. Season with salt and pepper. Cook 5 minutes. Add bell peppers and peas and cook another 2 minutes. Stir in flour and cook 2 minutes. Whisk in broth and combine. Add 1/2 cup light sour cream and combine. Simmer over low heat.

Preheat broiler to high.

When potatoes are tender, add a ladle of cooking water to the egg. Drain potatoes and return to the warm pot to dry them out a little. Add the remaining 1/2 cup of light sour cream, 1/2 the chives and salt and pepper. Mash the potatoes adding in the beaten, tempered egg. If the potatoes are too thick, add a splash of milk.
Pour beef mixture into a casserole dish. Top with an even layer of potatoes. Place casserole 5 inches from hot broiler. Broil until the potatoes are golden at the edges (does not take too long 5-10 minutes). Garnish with the remaining chives.

This makes a lot of food. I did not do portions or calories (shame on me). It is pretty healthy and it fed us quite a few times. I am not one who worries about pretty plate presentations, that is why there isn't one. I kind of slop it on the plate and my hubby gobbles it up.

Verdicts: SUPER AWESOME!! We both wonder why we do not make it more often. It also reheats well.

Randomness...next time a recipe

Many thoughts of randomness today...

1. I do not have a wonky eye. Those pictures from yesterday were pretty bad and I was probably giving my husband a "look" but when I saw my post today I thought "man sure does look like I have a wonky eye." So in case you were wondering (like I would be if I were a reader) no wonky eye here. Just ugly face.
2. I love milk!! Skim milk. LOVE IT!! Before I started losing weight I used to drink a gallon a week by myself. I cut down to one cup a day. Not a full glass, a cup. Which is equal to half of a very small glass. I am giving myself a break. I am pregnant and I say let the baby have milk! And boy is it good. I am not counting the calories either.
3. The texture of my hair has changed. Not for the better. I do not enjoy this part of pregnancy. I wonder if it will ever go back....
4. Thank you SO MUCH to those who suggested I get the book a "Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy" I have been reading it on my kindle today and guess what? No mention of miscarriage at all!! Woohoo!
5. There are lots of newbies here is the weight loss blogosphere. WELCOME friends! I have visited your blogs (and enjoyed them). I have added you to my blogroll at the side. Hopefully I have commented on your posts. If not, I have stalked you and read them. I am sure to make a snide comment sometime soon, so be prepared!
6. Some of you have been so kind to give me a shout out on your blog and some even bestowed upon me some beautiful awards. I so appreciate this. I know I do not show it (because I can be a lazy turd) but trust me...I read the super nice things you say (even though I do not deserve it) and it gives me a warm fuzzy feeling inside. As time has gone on, it has gotten harder for me to pick people to pass these awards on to. So many are deserving. Especially the one about being "creative."
7. I do not want to hurt anyone's feelings here but it must be said. Those of you who are health food bloggers and take pictures of your breakfast cookie.....well....I have to give you kudos for putting that thing in your mouth in the name of health. To me it looks like somebody already ate that and had a bad indigestion issue on a plate. I laugh as I type this...really loud. I shall burn in hell....I know...no need to comment on that little ditty.
8. I woke up at 5:00 this morning (on spring break) to eat half of a peanut butter and banana sandwich and drink some milk. I also downed some Sun Chips and watched an hour of TV and then went back to bed. And I wonder why I have already gained a few pounds. This pregnancy thing really makes me hungry.
9. For the past 2 days I ran in the daylight and I did not melt. I usually only run using the "vampire method" (see the blog and/or book of the Amazing Adventures of DietGirl - totally awesome) - this is where you get up early and exercise under the cover of darkness so no one can see you or make fun of you. I started this at 270 pounds and just never really stopped (I like to run with the dogs before work). But I have slept in the past 2 days so I ran in the middle of the day. Past teenagers, lots of them. No snickering, no comments. No one cares. Not even me. That is growth!
10. This week I have totally slacked on weight training. I know I need to but the thrill is gone. I am totally loving cardio still. Can't get enough. I ordered a book on weight training for Preggos. Maybe that will get me going again. I do not want to lose my muscle definition or strength but we are talking I would rather eat a breakfast cookie than do it this week.
11. I like to watch 16 and pregnant on MTV. Why? Because no matter how hard I think things will be for me, I will never be 16 with a baby. It makes me appreciate the fact that I waited to have a baby even though I am approaching "advanced maternal age" (damn books).
12. My secret show I watch is Big Love on HBO. I did not see the 1st or 2nd season but when I started, I was hooked. Really good writing. And who doesn't love a freak show? I am embarrassed to say I watch it for fear people will think I support polygamy. I cannot imagine being raised in that. The hair and the dresses alone are fascinate me.
13. Tonight I got a pedicure right by my house. I live about a 15 minute drive from my school. I walked in and sat down next to one of my parents. Thank goodness I really like her but how random and awkward is that? The only thing more awkward is when one of my parents gave me a pedicure. How much do you tip on that?
14. Man what a horribly long post. If you are still reading, sorry. This is 10 minutes of your life you will never get back. But I feel better. Can you tell this post was all about me? Nothing new, it always is.

I found another little gem. This is from Spring 2007. Want to know something really sad? This was one of my favorite outfits and wore it ALOT! This doesn't even look real to me.

I cut my hair today. About 3 or 4 inches. I had to. It was so snarly and tangled. It is growing in thicker at the top. My hairdresser thinks it is the vitamins. I also highlighted it a bit, just hard to tell.

God I take bad pictures. Rather, my husband takes bad pictures and I pose badly. I also got a new driver's license photo today (115 pounds lighter than the previous) maybe now I can make it through security at the airport without snarky comments and suspicion. It only took a 2 hour and 15 minute wait. I waited behind 80 to 100 people. Great people watching!

This crazy bastard is the father of my child (a.k.a. my husband). His St. Patty's Day tradition is to jump into our pool and drink green beer. The pool is 60 degrees. His splash totally got me and my eating pants (yes I was wearing special eating pants....I was hungry). I am glad I got some good sperm already because after today I am not sure there will be much left.

What are your St. Patty's traditions? Tomorrow I will be making Shepherd's pie. Today I wanted nachos. So nachos is what we ate! Homemade pico de gallo....my favorite food ever!!

Research isn't always a good thing

The basic premise to losing weight is simple....take in fewer calories than you burn. We all know that put into action, it is more complex. What you eat makes a difference, how much cardio and weight training you need to do varies on results you want and your body type.

As I went along my weight loss journey, I did TONS of research. I read COUNTLESS weight loss memoirs, magazine articles, books written by doctors and trainers. I, of course, searched the Internet and read your blogs. I still read these things - daily.

So when I wanted to get pregnant, I started doing the same thing. There are somethings I just find hard to believe. If you have a regular cycle (sorry boys) there is a small window of a a few days each month that you can fertilize an egg. I think it adds up to about 30 to 40 days total all year and that is if you are regular and functioning properly which most of us are not. Are you kidding me? Are you telling me that all the "oops" and "I got pregnant my first time" and "I got pregnant while on birth control" and the TONS of babies born each year are all because these women had "relations" on one of the just right days in the year? I am not saying it isn't true, I am saying it is EXTREMELY hard for me to believe. And then I have to ask, if you do not complete your cycle for 2 more weeks after those days, what happens to the egg? If it cannot be fertilized, where does it go?

I should have known then to just stop reading. It spurs too many questions for me. Oh, did I ever mention my mother is a nurse for OBGYNs? So guess who I call with EVERY question? She gets a little annoyed. I make her ask the doctors things that I think embarrass her sometimes. But I need to know!!

There are these evil people out there who write these things called pregnancy books. So far, these books are horrible. I keep trying more of them and going on to the next chapter thinking it gets better. It doesn't. I thought I would feel better once I had a sonogram and heard a heartbeat. I did, for about a day. I was reading this book about week 8 of pregnancy and it starts out all good and sweet with drawings and how it is the size of a kidney bean and it has elbows that bend. Then, BAM!! The rest of the chapter is about miscarriage. Which I have read LOTS about already. I know it is a possibility but really does it need to be in EVERY chapter of EVERY book? This time it was about how it happens alot (they think) due to the age of the sperm. If the male is over the age of 35. My husband is 37. NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT THAT A-HOLES. They should have one chapter called "Let me depress and scare the SHIT out of you" so we can skip it and move on to actual USEFUL information.

Of course I called my ma to ask about statistics on miscarriage after you hear a heartbeat. After she asked around, she said 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage before there is a heartbeat (so 25%) and the risk drops to 5% after there is a heartbeat. So why is there so much written to scare us all when the reality of that actual population is so small? And do you know what is written about it? "We don't know why this happens" or "No actual studies have been done to determine the cause" blah, blah, blah. THEN DON'T WRITE ABOUT IT!!

My mother's advice? "Stop reading all that crap!" She is wise beyond her years. But I want to know what things to expect that are interesting (not scary). I guess I will continue to read with caution. Sorry for the bitching. I think it would be less stressful to lose 115 pounds again. In fact, I know it would. I have experience at that. Weight loss people are WAY more logical.

I never want to forget...

2006 (it has been a while but I assume I was in a bar....drinking. SHOCKER!)
2006 (teaching kindergarten at the time, hence the cool number necklace)

2010 (last month with no power, yes I roasted marshmallows in my fireplace and I was wearing 5 shirts - no exaggeration!)
2010 (when the fam came to visit)

My goal of this blog is not to constantly throw my fatness in your face. Although it may seem like it at times. But I really never want to forget how far I have come. I never want to forget how it felt to be that size. And I never want to go back. I was going through some old digital photos because I am sending a package to one of my old students and thought it would be fun to send some pictures. I also realized I have not seen her in a long time and if she saw me on the street, she would not recognize me. I am sending the pics anyway because they were a fun time in both of our lives. I am sharing them here just because they kind of took my breath away for a moment.

For those who are new to the blog, that is 115 pounds lost and I believe the jeans went from a size 24 to a 10. Such an improvement just on the dark wash of the jeans alone.

Some people never want to be reminded of the times they were at their heaviest. I never want to forget. It totally made me who I am today. It helps motivate me. It allows me to have empathy for others. Being overweight (or morbidly obese like I was) hurts...in many ways. It is a hurt I do not wish to feel again.

Time for a Make-Over

Oh yes it is so time for a new look. For me and the blog. Did I tell you this coming week is spring break? THANK GOD!!! I need it. I want to sleep, workout, eat and catch up with friends. Aside from making Easter treat bags for the kids I shall do NO school crap. I am so sick of it. I had to do about 20 parent conferences plus open house and testing for the past 2 weeks. Sucky, sucky.

But, no more. Now it is time for MY life. Starting with working on this sad looking blog. It needed an updated look. Especially since I am officially done losing weight for the time being. I will still be talking about weight and health and exercise. Just not in "losing" terms anymore. I must admit, it makes me a little sad. Although I have pretty much just maintained my weight for the past 4 or 5 months it is sad to step on a scale and not anticipate a loss. The excitement is gone (but so is the occasional disappointment). I changed my ticker to a baby ticker. I will update you on weight gains but I will not be logging it on Fridays. Just too depressing for me. I feel decent and I do not want the numbers to change that.

I am feeling very lucky. Aside from being hungry and tired, I would not know I was pregnant. Thank goodness my boobs don't hurt (yet) I jump around in my workouts far too much. I am a super crabby person if I am nauseous (not a good trait in a teacher). But the tiredness when it hits is unbelievable. And the hunger. My god...it is like you must feed me NOW. I SAID NOW!! I have never known anything like it. I added 300 calories into my diet (some days it is a little more). I am reading books that say you do not need to add those calories in until the 2nd trimester. Holy crap! You try telling that to this little hungry grain of rice growing inside of me. Hopefully these extra weeks of extra calories won't harm me too much weight wise. My body feels the need. And alot of the calories are coming from fruit and cereal.

Since it is spring break I will be getting my hair cut and add a bit of color. Don't worry, I asked and it is safe. I only get a hair cut about every 4 months. I have not changed the color in well over a year. I do not want to do any blond as it reminds me of when I was my heaviest. My ma thinks if I go darker it will look bad. So I am thinking just some golden highlights. We will see. I usually let my hairdresser decide. After all, she is the professional. I am excited about it. Now I have to wait until Wednesday.

I look forward to catching up on blogs and relaxing. I hope you all have a super weekend!

We got the beat!

Good news and not so good news. Today I got the beat so I can officially tell you (as many of you have suggested) I am pregnant with my first child. This is why I increased calories and have been feeling so fatty and gained a few pounds. That is the good news. Oh yeah and just to creep you out - here is my first ultrasound pic. I think it is creepy to show people my uterus.

The not so good news is no more weight loss. Only gaining now! But minimal gains. So cheers!

My weight loss is like house flipping

I was thinking about it today and weight loss can be a lot like house flipping. You get this dilapidated property that has not been well cared for and try to turn it into something others would want (mainly you).

When you first get started you feel like you have no idea what you are doing, some may even tell you that you are in over your head. As the project goes on, you learn from your mistakes. You may start with a time line (I want to lose 100 pounds in a year) and a budget (so many calories per day, so much time spent exercising). And then life gets in the way.

It puts you over budget and throws your timeline out of whack. But you have to keep going because you cannot afford to carry that extra mortgage payment one more month.

In the end, all the upgrades are worth it. Jaws drop and people cannot believe what you have done with the property. It even gets them interested in flipping. And now they want to draw on all of your experience (and who can blame them, you have obviously learned a lot).

All I can say, is that for me, in the end, the net profit was WAY more than I expected it to be. The lost numbers, the clothing size, the ability to complete tough workouts, the sense of accomplishment and pride - it has been amazing. I hope you all feel this way or get to a point where you feel this way because it is worth the hard work and sacrifice and soon just becomes your way of life.

Okay, no recipe today as I have oodles of leftovers which I am fine with. It is a crappy rainy day and I still need to go to the gym and the store. I chose the gym first. We will see where the store falls. I will be posting again tomorrow or Tuesday so stay tuned....

Weigh-In

This week has not been the best. Food and exercise were not the problem. Crappy things in life were. Funny how everything seemed to happen in one day. It was Wednesday. One of those days you just want to forget ever happened but something pissed me off so much so that it lingers in my brain. In the grand scheme of life it is small but right now I am majorly annoyed.

There is a bright spot in my week. My weigh-in today was 179. Which is down 2.2 pounds from last week. So hooray for that! Overall my weight is still up but I will just have to live with it for now. One more week until spring break. I plan on sleeping in EVERYDAY and working out and hanging with some buds. Exciting, I know, but it sounds heavenly right now.

Not much else to say at the moment. I am sure I will post again before the weekend is through. I wish you lots of scale-love this week!